I fell asleep in the middle of my workout.

I'm not even exaggerating.

In the middle of what was supposed to be a 45 minute walk on the treadmill, it hit me like an attack. A sleep attack. If I don't get off this machine right now, I am going to keel over sleeping and kill myself.

I get off the machine. Only 14 minutes walking and two minutes running, damn.

I get down on the floor. Ok, this isn't so bad...I can do some yoga stretches while I'm down here...zzzzzzz.

Thirty minutes later I wake up to find my face stuck to the carpet with the treadmill next to my nose. This is not going to look good on my bodybugg daily workout chart.

I briefly ponder getting back on the machine and realize it's hopeless. Must sleep. Right now.

If it weren't kind of funny, I might just cry.

One possible explanation...

I'm not actually "late" yet, so chances are that this is just an evaporation line; but it would go some way to explaining the bizarre attacks of sleep I keep having.

Brilliant Husband says you get what you pay for (in this case, $1.25) and that perhaps I should buy a test from somewhere other than Dollerama. I'll do that in a few days...

Apathy

I don't feel like being a student anymore.

There, I've said it.

I've given it my best shot this semester, but my heart just isn't in it anymore. It's all I can do to get out of bed most days, and the idea of doing research in my current state is just too much. I was barely keeping my head above water until last week. My mother took ill and so did my cat. Between trips to the veterinarian and waits in the ER, I couldn't get anything done.

Yesterday I slept for 15 hours straight. Woke up, did some research and went back to bed. I was so cold, I could hardly stop shivering. This is just the way it is most days for me now.

My brilliant DH will be defending his doctoral work in two weeks time. I thought that once he had his PhD, it would make me want to work doubly hard to finish mine. But really, it's just the opposite. I truly don't care today.

Do I withdraw?

Wait another week?

Or just go back to bed?

An 'overnight' cure?

I saw another doctor yesterday. This time an ENT.

I told him about the headaches, the brain fog, the sleepiness, fatigue...and the constant pain around my eyes (sinus area).

He said my sinuses looked great on my recent MRI (I love electronic health records). And then he asked me if I have ever been evaluated for obstructive sleep apnea. Apparently, it could account for ALL of my symptoms.

Sleep Apnea? Wow. What if everything I've been going through could be explained? And treated easily? What if the past four years of my life were a bad dream?

The only hesitation is that I don't have the typical risk factors associated with OSA. I am not overweight, not male, and DH has never complained about me snoring...Still...my sleep study is scheduled in two months.

I hate to get my hopes up, but if this is "it", I will be eternally grateful.

On the floor, sleeping

For the past week I have been in a hypersomnolent trance. I have come to realize that the word 'fatigue' doesn't do any justice to what I am experiencing.

Have you ever taken Benadryl or Gravol? Any medication which induces sleep that you just cannot fight? That's what I am feeling.

Last week, I was too sleepy to take care of myself or my animals. I packed up my bags and my pets and moved over to my mother's house for a few days until DH got back from his trip. Even with all of her health issues, she could at least walk the dogs. And I slept...and slept...and slept.

At one point, I went to the kitchen to talk to my mother. I was so tired I sat down on the floor. But I was too tired to sit, so I laid down...and fell asleep on her travertine tile.

I flip between hot and shivering, but my temperature is almost always 97.2 (not even normal, let alone fever).

This, my friends, is not normal.

crazy fatigue

How tired am I?

Can't even put it into words.

low ferritin?

My ferritin is low.

It used to be a measly "8", now it's in the low 20s. Despite numerous investigations, no one is quite sure why my ferritin isn't rising since I have been supplementing for over two years now.

One of my physicians assures me that low ferritin does not cause fatigue if other blood tests do not indicate anemia.

My research has found conflicting information. But the fact is, I am crazy fatigued most days...and I have low ferritin.

Any ideas on how to raise it? Would dessicated liver tablets help?

BTW, my folate and B12 are all well within range.

You know you're in trouble when...

Fatigue is a common complaint of women in their 30's. When a woman presents with this routine symptom, she will be likely first be assessed for the 'usual suspects', such as:

- hypothyroid

- anemia

- pregnancy

- B12 deficiency

- diabetes

No answers there? Let's move on to the next possible culprits...

- sleep apnea

- depression

- autoimmune disease

But what if all these tests fail to reveal an obvious cause? What if you've become the medical equivalent to a 'cold case'?

Congratulations! You now have a "medically unexplained illness".

You may not be able to work, study or get out of bed more than a few hours a day - but hey - at least your lab results are within normal range.

When your Internist asks, "have you ever considered homeopathy?", you know you're in trouble.

The "F" Word

Fibromyalgia.

I saw an Internist yesterday about why I don't seem to ever feel 100% well. After reviewing my symptoms (constant low-grade fever, feeling flu-like ever few weeks, horrible fatigue), she mentioned that some of my concerns sounded like fibromyalgia.

I worry that if I get stuck with the "f"-word, it will undermine my efforts to find out what really is wrong with me. My main issue isn't muscle pain; it is fatigue and flu-like illness.

The thing is, I know my body. I know what it feels like to be healthy and active. I reject the chronic disease label. I don't want to give up hope and just learn to live like this.

Fortunately, this Internist is willing to keep working with me to find the source of my problem. Next stop: endocrinology. Possible future step: infectious disease.

*I do believe that Fibromyalgia exists. I just don't think that I have it.

Fear (*a personal journal entry)

Today I am afraid that the fatigue will never go away.

I'm afraid that I will always be a heartbeat away from sleep. It comes on me and attacks and there is nothing I can do but succome to it's force.

I wonder if it's depression, but I really don't feel depressed. My mood is actually really good. I feel optimism and anticipation for the work I'm doing. But I am so tired.

Maybe the remains of my sinus infection?

Or a reaction to antibiotics?

Or perhaps my stupidly low ferritin level?

This cycle repeats itself every few months. I get a short while of energy and clarity, only to plummet back into this black hole of fatigue.

I'm afraid my husband, my school, my workplace aren't going to be as accepting this time as they were last year.

Sleep delays my life (get up! get up!)

Ever heard the REM song "Get Up"? I am living it right now.

After months of feeling great, the past few days I am like a zombie. I could close my eyes and fall asleep at just about any time. The past few days I had to lie down and take a nap mid-day (about 2 hours) because if I didn't, I was going to fall asleep standing up. It is like a bloody sleep attack.

I'm sleeping well at night, using my "happy light" in the mornings, taking my Synthroid, iron & B12 supplements. I just hate this feeling. I'm all stuffy and congested and sleepy.

The good news is that despite this little setback, my mood is still really good. My thinking is still clear and I'm not in any pain. But yeah, sleep is delaying my life...I wish I could just get up.

20 seconds

Well....it looks like my attempt to become a runner again is going to take a lot longer than planned. I lasted less than 30 seconds running the other day and had to settle for a walk instead :(

Less than half a minute! I used to be able to run for over an hour.

sun stroked?

I've never been much of a "sun person". While others are lying on the beach soaking up the rays, I am covered up with hat, towel, sun umbrella and 45+SPF lotion looking for a nearby palm tree for shade.

Despite taking precautions, it isn't easy to avoid the sun on a Mexican beach holiday...so the past few days I decided to lotion up and get outside to enjoy the weather.

Sun day #1 - Migraine, had to come back to the room and drug up and sleep it off.

Sun day #2 - Touring the ruins, body ached, mood was awful, felt feverish, so fatigued I had to sit and rest repeatedly, slept during the car ride 4 hours feeling miserable.

Sun day #3 - Sat in the sun at the pool today for about an hour, went back to my hotel room feeling nauseous, had chills, slept for a few hours, woke with severe muscle aches.

The only days I've felt well are the ones I've spent inside or in the shade. I can only conclude that the sun just doesn't agree with me. Either that or I have a really strange virus. Am I a complete hypochondriac? It would be laughable if it wasn't so miserable.

Sometimes I feel like such a wreck!!

cranky on the ruins

So you might ask how someone who has now been on holiday since mid-February could possibly have a bad day?

I think it's being tired , as I was up at 6:30 am to go visit the Mayan ruins this morning. Lately it's been hard to fall asleep. I notice that when I'm tired, I am cranky and often teary. Sometimes it is easy to mistake it for depression, but it usually resolves with a good nap.

My fatigue was in full force. It takes a surprising amount of energy to spend a day touring. My husband really deserves a travel companion who has his energy and stamina.

Does anyone else feel like a sad, petulant three year old when they are short of sleep?

oh my speeding heart

So far today's withdrawal symptoms haven't been too bad. I'm definitely tired, but nothing new with that!

The odd thing is that my little heart-wreck is racing. I've taken my blood pressure a few times with my handy home blood pressure machine * and have found that my BP is a remarkably low 88/49 with a pulse rate over 100. Nifty. **

As My Amazingly Brilliant Husband is away on business this week, and I am at the bottom of the motivation pit, I have relented and hired a person to help me clean the house tomorrow. (by help, I expect that she will be doing most of the heavy lifting). I feel so guilty not doing my own housework. I mean, what else do I have to do all day? Sleep? Rest on the couch? Check my blood pressure? How flippin' hard can it be to throw a load of laundry in along the way?

Apparently, the answer is very hard as the mountain of clothing piling up in the bedroom closet can attest to.

My Fabulous Mother came by tonight with groceries for me and stopped in for some tea and a game of Wii golf. It might have been cold outside, but in the land of Nintendo, the sky was blue and the fairways were perfect!

It seems that I might have overdone it swinging the "golf club", as I am now short of breath and thinking I need a nap before I can get ready for bed. Did I really just write that sentence?

Did I also mention that I am (or was, not that long ago) a reasonably proportioned, fit person? Who the hell gasps for air after playing Wii golf??

Sigh....MUST APPRECIATE THE GOOD THINGS:

• I am very happy to have my wonderful family and the sweetest furry creatures you could imagine.
• I am very grateful that I am able to afford to have someone help me with the cleaning.
• I am very grateful for my beautiful home.
• I am extremely fortunate to have the opportunity to go away on holiday next week to a sunny beach.
  

One day at a time. At least I'm not feeling sad!

(*note: you might be suffering from hypochondria if you own a home blood pressure machine)

a day in the life

My alarm went off at noon today, l briefly considered getting up...not yet...too sleepy...then dove under the duvet for another two hours of hiding. Welcome to my life! My nights and days are upside down and I've hardly left the house since Christmas.

I make my way to the kitchen for coffee, but gravity catches me and I'm pulled into the pillowy clutches of the couch. Ooohh...so...sleepy... Must drink coffee...do I really need a shower? Sleeping doesn't work up a sweat, does it?

Suddenly it's five o'clock and the sun is setting. Another day is ending and I'm still watching Law & Order reruns...how many episodes did they make of this show? Hey, I can look that up on Wikipedia...I still have a pile of readings left to study and a final paper to write that I'm ignoring...sounds like time for another nap...

I have been blessed with an amazing life: a gorgeous, kind husband, a beautiful home, a good career...WTF is wrong with me??...I have it all! but I'm on my fifth medication cocktail in two years and lately it is fizzling out.

Must be time for another bowl of cereal. I think that's pretty much all I've had to eat the past few days. It's fast and easy. My cat stretches out on my bed... boy that looks comfortable... maybe just a little lie down?

And that's been what its like lately. This is my little blog about depression. Getting through it, coping, and doing whatever it takes to make it through to the other side...no, not THAT other side!...