Serenity Now - See ya later.

Serenity Now, I won't miss you.

"BECAUSE OF CERTAIN IDIOTS OUT THERE THAN ARE TOO SENSITIVE....THIS BLOG ENDS ASAP. I AM PUTTING SOME MINI RANTS BELOW OF THINGS I WANTED TO BLOG IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS, BUT IT HAS TO END NOW. SO READ QUICK WE ALWAYS SAID IF YOU CAN'T TAKE THE SHIT WE WRITE, THEN DON'T READ IT. FOR THOSE OF YOU SENSITIVE PUSSY'S OUT THERE THREATENING TO "FIND MY IDENTITY" AND GO TO MY HOSPITALS ETHICS COMMITTEE, NO ONE MADE YOU READ. I WELCOME YOUR THREATS AND ENCOURAGE YOU TO DO SO. YOU ARE PUSSIES AND WILL NEVER GET YOUR FAT ASSES OFF YOUR COUCH ANYWAYS. ANOTHER GREAT SITE, ERSTORIES.NET, IS BEING TAKEN DOWN FOR SIMILAR REASONS. PEOPLE ARE TOO DAMN SENSITIVE. FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT ARE....GO FUCK YOURSELVES. ER DOC."

Keep it classy.

Low Ferritin (part ii)

I almost called my lab results correctly...all normal except for:

ANA - 1:640

Ferritin - 26 (normal reference 80-300)

Why is my ferritin so low?

Does this explain my relentless sleepiness?

Obviously eating gluten-free for the past five months hasn't improved my absorption.

I am so sick of my life being defined by illness. I wish more than anything that I could just have my health back.

Decisions, decisions...

I saw my doctor yesterday and told him how feelings of anxiety and depression were creeping up on me again. He raised my antidepressants and ordered a long list of blood work.

Did I mention that I hate 12 hour fasts? I love breakfast. Anyhow, I got 10 vials of blood taken this morning and will likely hear back soon if anything is not normal.

My prediction:

Normal labs for all except ANA

The doctor still continues to think there is something 'else' going on with me that has nothing to do with my depression.

But he did council me that stress isn't good for any condition; physical or mental.

He advised that I visit with the Dean of my program and try to sort out getting a new advisor. He thinks I will feel much better once I deal with this issue.

I told him I'm thinking about quitting the PhD program and he has encouraged me not to make any decisions until my current depression lifts.

I do agree with that advice, but in my current state, going to meet with the Dean feels overwhelming.

the kitty brigade

I've been feeling blue the past few days...detached and unmotivated. Last night I talked to BH about my worry that depression was back. Did I mention that BH is a problem solver?

Last night, while I slept, "Hello Kitty" invaded our house. Hiding by the lamp, under the flowerpots, next to the stove, by my toothbrush were tiny little Hello Kitty figures.

Like an Easter egg hunt, I turned the house upside down finding hidden kitties in nooks and corners. Each kitty brought a smile to my face.

My husband told me later today that because I was sad, he had called in the 'Kitty Brigade' to cheer me up...and really, who wouldn't feel happy with a kitty brigade in the house?

Sleep Study

My polysomnographic study (sleep study) was not nearly as restful as this...

Did you know that a sleep study requires quite a bit of monitoring? Between EEG wires glued into the hair, ECG leads glued to the chest, wires attached to the legs to monitor for restlessness, wires in the nose to capture breathing and a pulse oximeter on the finger, it is not easy to pretend you are home in your own bed.

Despite the odd sensation of having a video camera pointed at me whilst tied to the bed with wires, I managed to fall asleep quickly and slept straight through until the wake up call at 6:45am. (Of course, I can fall asleep pretty much any time, anywhere these days...)

In the morning, I asked the technologist about my night's sleep. After the usual disclaimers, the tech told me that my study surprised her. Given my level of sleepiness, she expected to find clear indications of sleep apnea or restless legs. However, despite some arousals throughout the later part of the study, my oxygen remained high and my legs remained still.

I am now waiting for final report from the physician, but not surprised that I had another unrevealing test.

After the test, I made my way home, ate breakfast and went back to sleep - for the rest of the day.

so, it wasn't THAT

Looks like my little pink line was just an evaporation... nothing to explain the sleep marathon I've been running the past few weeks.

Lately I've been useless. I can't concentrate worth shit and am falling behind on all of my work. I sleep outrageous amounts of time and can hardly keep my eyes open when I'm awake.

Maybe this is depression? Perhaps some of it is fallout from my advisor's less than kind words? Maybe its time to give up on the PhD and put my efforts somewhere else?

I just hate to make any big life decisions when I feel like crap. It was only weeks ago that I was feeling like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. How did I get back to this place again?

One possible explanation...

I'm not actually "late" yet, so chances are that this is just an evaporation line; but it would go some way to explaining the bizarre attacks of sleep I keep having.

Brilliant Husband says you get what you pay for (in this case, $1.25) and that perhaps I should buy a test from somewhere other than Dollerama. I'll do that in a few days...