Mar 25, 2009

frustrated, desperate

I'm scared.

For the past few years, I have tried to hang in and be a 'good patient' as a host of symptoms started to steal away my life.

Only a few years ago I was a busy health professional with an enjoyable career. I worked out regularly, did yoga three times a week, went out for dinner with friends, performed in a band, went rock climbing in the mountains...

Now I am a student on an LOA who rarely leaves the house; spending most of my time trying to get enough energy to do basic chores. 

I stopped seeing my friends, as I was sick of always talking about what was wrong with me (a hard topic to avoid, since it has eaten away at every part of my life) My world has become so small.

I would give just about anything to put on my running shoes and just RUN again.

The past three days I have been mostly in bed, in the dark, with a migraine. Three days of nausea, diarrhea, body aches, and unrelenting pain in my head. F@*k!! I've had enough.

Last Sunday I was in church, during communion I started to pray. I feel like I am dying. There is no way anyone could feel this shitty and not have something seriously wrong with them. Why can't anyone give me an answer??

I keep getting referred to specialists and then...wait...

My psychiatrist - after two years of working with me - isn't sure anymore that I have a mood disorder. He thinks something else is going on; BUT, both he and my Primary Care Physician can't agree on which type of specialist I should see, so I will be seeing them all:

- Rheumatologist
- Internist
- Neurologist

I simply can't live like this any more. I am desperate. I need to find an answer. I cling to the hope that if I have a REAL diagnosis, then perhaps there might be a treatment. 

I am in need of hope, or at least a "good day" to help me get through.


  1. I sooooo hear you. Three years ago, I was on a great career path, had a life, had prospects, had goals and plans and everything - then boom. On long-term disability, drugged, in and out of pysch wards...I had a diagnosis, however. I hear that you need that, too, because, yes, it means a path of treatment. I hope you get what you want, and in the mean time, keep fighting!

  2. I can relate to what you're saying. When I first became ill I was convinced it had to be something physical because I felt so physically unwell, as well as mentally sick. It took a long time filled with tests to finally come to the conclusion that it was a psychological illness. This may not be the case with you at all ... you may indeed have a physical condition going on. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I understand the pain of going through loss and misery and floundering around for answers.

  3. Wandering Coyote & Anonymous Drifter - Thank you for your kind comments. I just feel like I hit a wall of desperation today.

    I actually thought I HAD a diagnosis of depression and was willing to try whatever it would take to recover. Now I'm back out again searching for answers.

    I really appreciate your feedback. It's nice to know that there are others who understand.

  4. Penelope, thank you for being open, as always. So very sorry for your pain dear one! As much as I really do not care for this phrase, still, "Hang In There." Blessings!

  5. I'm confused as to why your PMD is referring you to an Internist. A rheumatologist *is* a kind of internist with extra training. A Primary care doctor is often an internist as well (though could also be a family doctor).

  6. Old MD Girl,
    My PCP (or PMD, as you call it) is my "family doctor", she rarely handles anything outside of the ordinary. She has referred me for an appointment with Rheumatology, but this being Canada (a system I will defend 'til my last breath, but not without problems) I will have to wait a long time to see them.

    The internist I'm referred to has a special focus in Rheumatology and is able to see me fairly quickly (next week), my psychiatrist speaks well of her and agrees with my PCP that this referral is better than waiting for months for the Rheum consult.

    I agree, it is confusing. Kind of like standing in two aisles of the grocery store at once and seeing which one gets to the checkout first.

  7. You're in Canada? That is so cool!!

  8. Penelope, thank you for your recent visit and encouraging comments to me. Hope this day finds you better dear one. Blessings.