Feb 8, 2009

could it be possible?

What if the depression I've been struggling with isn't depression at all?

Here's what happened: I shouldn't have worried about being "too well" for Friday's appointment with my psychiatrist. As it turns out, I crashed that morning and was barely able to drag my carcass across the city to see him.

He listened to my story of how things have been for me since Christmas, and seemed very perplexed. Thankfully, My Husband was able to attend this appointment with me, and was able to give some additional insight about my moods.

My doctor is concerned that I have not responded to any of the multiple treatments I've had over the past few years and that my physical health is worsening along with my moods shifting more rapidly.

I could care less about my moods; what I can't stand is the fatigue. The overwhelming energy it takes to get out of bed and make a pot of tea. The fact that I avoid showering day after day and have been wearing the same pajamas now since Friday morning. This is not me! After three good days, I feel like I have crashed. Sometimes I wonder if I have chronic fatigue (and depression?)

After my brief reprieve earlier this week from brain fog, it has set in again and made focusing on anything next to impossible. All I want to do is sleep.

Interestingly, my doctor is now wondering if there is something physical going on with my body that he hasn't picked up on.

So here are his recommendations:
  1. Consultation with another psychiatry specialist - (thought I was already seeing a specialist? how much more specialized can you get in mental health?)
  2. Testing for Lupus, Celiac, hormone levels, and a whole host of "outlier" illnesses.
  3. Tapering off two of my medications over the next ten days to see if any of them are causing the fog & fatigue.
I am very frightened of coming off medication. I've done it before and things got much worse without it. But I am grateful that he is still trying to solve the mystery of my downward spiral of health.

It is such a crazy thought after all I have been through that it's possible that none of this has been depression, but rather some strange autoimmune disorder. If you've been here, you can probably understand if I share with you that I would be grateful for a diagnosis that is physical in nature. Something objective that I could show to people and that they would be nice about.

I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens. Today was my first day of tapering off of Cipralex and Wellbutrin. I feel dizzy, sleepy, teary. I think this is normal, so I am going to find my sweet little furry friends and bring them to bed with me now. Everything always feels better when there is a soft, warm, fluffy ball purring next to me.


  1. I find your blog very interesting and keep coming back here.

    You say that your psychiatrist is tapering you off some mediation. What will remain once the Wellbutrin and Cipralex are out?


  2. Hi Mirka,
    Thank you so much for your comment. I can hardly believe that anyone would read my ramblings!

    I am being tapered off of Cipralex & Wellbutrin, but I advocated to stay on Zoloft for a while longer. Ultimately, I will need to go off of that also, but for now, we are trying to see if the reason I'm feeling so awful has anything to do with side effects from the medication.

    The future goal I suppose is to get me off of antidepressants and on to a mood-stabilizer. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet.

    I am also tapering my use of Zopiclone (sleep aid) and caffeine at the request of my brand new CBT practitioner. I suppose that is enough to make the next few weeks feel a little rocky.

    Thanks again for the nice comment.

  3. I can relate to this entire post. It's hard to figure out what's physical and what's mental sometimes. I've been struggling with the motivation thing too. Plus I've been trying to wean off Risperdal. I haven't cut back on my coffee though.