Doctor's Orders

As the days have been getting shorter, my mood is falling slightly. Also, my recent Vitamin D test showed significant deficiency.

I love my psychiatrist; he tells me to up my Vit D to 2000 IU/day....then he stops and says "Why don't you just go to sunnier climate for a few weeks?"

I cannot change weather, so I am packing up and heading south; this is one of the few times I will not argue with my physician's recommendations :)

Overdoing It

In my quest to feel useful last week, I decided to tackle our garden. The beautiful summer weather had turned my manicured lines of day-lillies into a small jungle.

With help from my mother (who is over 70 years old!), I spent hours digging up, clipping and splitting day-lilly plants. It was physical work, do doubt, but it didn't seem too onorous.

...until the next morning. HOLY CRUMBS. I have never been so sore in my life from exercise.

This was no ordinary 'after burn' from a workout. This was brutal. I could barely walk, stand or lie down comfortably. The pain mocked the efforts of Tylenol and Advil.

For the first time, I stopped to consider that I might, might, actually have Fibromyalgia.

Before all of this crap started, I used to run regularly, work out at the gym and rock climb. There were times when it took days to get over some of my workouts, but those times were nothing like this.

Fast forward one week and I am moving much more easily, but I still HURT.

My garden, however, looks beautiful. Maybe this weekend I will plant some tulip bulbs...

time off (or 'what will people think?')

It's official - my year-long leave of absence has been approved. For the first time since I was a teenager, I find myself both unemployed and out of school.

I actually have nothing to do. 

Brilliant Husband and I are beyond fortunate to have a housekeeper/goddess/friend who takes care of us two days a week. This woman is a Godsend; she bakes us homemade gluten-free bread and makes fresh yogurt and jams, she does our laundry and keeps all 4000 square feet of our house clean.  Even though I could probably take on more house work with my new-found free time, I am soaking up the wonderfulness of having so much help.

Whether the balance of my symptoms are caused by depression, chronic fatigue syndrome, lupus or narcolepsy; it doesn't change the fact that there are still some things within my control: like sleep, food & exercise. For now I am working on getting myself on to a schedule and working to build my physical strength and endurance. It is a slow crawl right now, but each day gets a little better. 

Even though I know that taking time off is the right decision, I still worry that people are going to judge me; that they will think less of me for being at home, or accuse me of being a 'lady of leisure'. I wish that everyone could understand that having time off isn't that great when you aren't feeling well enough to enjoy it. But at the same time, I also know how privileged I am to have this luxury.

This is an interesting time in my life, I've never felt so adrift.

Did my dog have a seizure?

Yesterday, my puppy (ok, he's 3 years old, but he'll always be my 'puppy') was acting a little bit off. Something about his usual peppy step was just a little slower than usual.

While taking a short break from tug-of-war with his brother, he did something very odd:

Puppy started to shake. His eyes rolled up into his head and moved about in a flickering sort of motion. It lasted only seconds and afterwards he seemed back to normal.

We lost our senior dog, Elliott, three years ago to a brain tumour (somewhat common in Boston Terriers), so this development has Brilliant Hubby and I both a little freaked out and worried about Puppy's life span.

From everything I've read online, it seems that there isn't much a vet can do about a single seizure, so many recommend watchful waiting to see if it happens again.

Today Puppy seems to be his playful, happy, boisterous self. 

Has anyone had this happen with their dog? What did you do?

Modafinil: A short story told in pictures.

This is how I feel on Modafinil*!

...and this is how I feel the day after Modafinil.

* Modafinil is also known as Provigil

Climbing

Penelope, Montana, 2003.

Rock climbing used to be my passion. Five nights a week I could be found in the climbing gym, working the walls and bouldering until my wrists trembled.

I have dreamed of being back on the wall, and this past Saturday, I made that dream come true.

Baby steps. A 5.6 route at the most...but I made it halfway up.

I used to nail 5.10a routes and hang upside down in the bouldering caves. In other words, I have a LONG way to go to get back to where I was in 2003.

Maybe I will be well enough to climb again, maybe not...but at least I took the first tentative steps to climbing back into my life.

Time Out

After months of debating whether I should quit the program, look for a new advisor, or soldier on, I've made a decision: I'm taking some time off to think about my future.

Grant you, this probably sounds like indecision, but for me it is an accomplishment.

I took a deep breath and told my advisors that I will not be pursuing the thesis that they had signed off on back in April. I need to work on something meaningful to me, not just to my advisors. No wonder I felt like I was on the wrong track.

Getting back to the research I want to do will likely require new advisors, perhaps a whole new faculty. But it will be worth it if I can find a good fit.

I've been ruminating on this decision for months (anxiety, anyone?). But now, I'm going to do my best to relax and enjoy the rest of the summer without thinking about my future.