Penelope 1 - Depression 0

What does it feel like to fight depression?


It was an agonizing effort to push my body forward, despite having no neurons supporting my decision to move.


During the very worst of the dark, ugly feeling,  I forced myself out for a walk. The sun was too bright, the air was too cold. My legs felt like leaden. My heart was pounding.


But then a funny thing happened...about 40 minutes into my walk, I stopped noticing how crappy I was feeling and started noticing the trees, the ice on the walkway, the river...it was like the world outside my head suddenly started to materialize. I started feeling alive again.


In fact, I felt so good that I came home and did another two miles on the treadmill, logging in at over 10,000 steps!


And that is how I fought depression and won this round.

It's back.

Depression. I'm pretty sure it has come back.

Today's feeling of tiredness isn't the usual, more physical feeling of fatigue that I'm used to. This time it is a sense of deep apathy...like getting up sounds nice, but staying in bed is just easier.

I've been trying to go for a walk now for the past four hours. I haven't even made it to my shoes yet. The heaviness feels unbearable.

We've had some stressful issues to deal with lately, and when I think about them, my eyes tear up and I feel overwhelmed.

Where did this come from?! I was doing SO well. I was back on the treadmill, even running for up to 15 minutes. This time last week I was thinking I might be able to get back to school again soon. 

Is it even remotely possible that the T3 has triggered this? I know it seems unlikely, but that's the only change I've made recently.

Now I just want to lie down in a dark room and close my eyes. 

I hate, hate, hate depression.

so, it wasn't THAT

Looks like my little pink line was just an evaporation... nothing to explain the sleep marathon I've been running the past few weeks.

Lately I've been useless. I can't concentrate worth shit and am falling behind on all of my work. I sleep outrageous amounts of time and can hardly keep my eyes open when I'm awake.

Maybe this is depression? Perhaps some of it is fallout from my advisor's less than kind words? Maybe its time to give up on the PhD and put my efforts somewhere else?

I just hate to make any big life decisions when I feel like crap. It was only weeks ago that I was feeling like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. How did I get back to this place again?

Is a 1:640 ANA titre meaningful?

When I first started feeling ill, my psychiatrist wondered if I might have Lupus.

While my mood responded to antidepressants; the constant fatigue, fevers, chills, migraines and brain fog led him to think that there was more going on than a psychiatric issue.

He tested my ANA and found it positive 1:160

Referred to Rheumatologist. Disaster. She didn't want to test me further because I was a psychiatric referral. Depression causes fatigue, therefore I had a mental health issue and was waisting her time.

My new family doctor wondered about my ANA and re-tested it. It had increased to 1:320

Referred to an Internal Medicine Specialist. She ran a panel of autoimmune tests which came back negative. She diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia and told me my ANA wasn't meaningful.

Fast forward - one year later. I am feeling quite a bit better, but fatigue and headaches, brain fog still happen with alarming regularity. Often I'm fine on a brisk walk, can lift heavy objects without breaking a sweat...and then suddenly... I find myself short of breath doing the simplest of things. Anything physical or emotional stress comes at a cost. A busy day-trip to Detroit with my mother led to a three day sleep, with fever and aches.

But my mood is fine!

My psychiatrist is still not happy with my physical symptoms, and still doesn't believe that they are related to depression. He did another ANA last week which found a titre of 1:640 (Speckled).

He is puzzled by this, as a year ago, I tested negative for anti-thyroid antibodies, anti-phospholipid antibodies, anti-Sm, anti-Ro, anti-DNA....

Clearly, something is still wrong with me. Is a 1:640 titre important? I keep feeling like there is something else going on in my body, but running out of directions.

not myself

My thesis outline is overdue and I'm stuck. The ideas are not flowing. My brain is feeling foggy again.

The pain from my shoulder is driving me insane. Nothing seems to soothe it. I can't focus on the lit review when my head hurts if it moves in any direction.

So...is this depression rearing its ugly head again? Now the days are getting shorter, its a worry for me.

I feel like I need more direction from my advisors, but I don't know how to ask for it.

If this is depression, it makes the idea of pregnancy that much more overwhelming.

Good thing for California dreaming...I'm just not feeling myself today.

trying again?

Three years and a half years have passed since the miscarriage. Over that time we have dealt with my post-miscarriage depression, my post-Mirena depression, and a lengthy 'mystery' illness that still remains elusive, although somewhat improved.

All of this time, we have been waiting for my health to get better so that we could try one more time for a baby. Last year I was advised to wait until I had been emotionally stable for at least a year. Well, I'm almost officially into my late thirties and there really is no more time to wait. If we are going to do it, it will have to be now. Going off antidepressants again? NOT an option.

A part of me is terrified. Our chances of conceiving are lower now, our risks are higher, the possibility of another miscarriage hangs over us, only outweighed by the idea of another post-partum depression. It's scary as hell.

There are so many reasons for us not to go forward. But somehow logic isn't winning this debate. It is fight between my head and the biological pull of motherhood.

I'm ready to try again.

Are we crazy?

Mirena IUD & Depression - Follow Up

Last year I posted about my unfortunate experience with the Mirena IUD triggering depression. I recently looked at the traffic report for this site and realized that 90% of people who visit my blog get here by searching for "Mirena +IUD +Depression".

I still don't think there is enough information in the public domain about the risks of Mirena re-triggering depression in women with a history of depression.

Of course, if you want more information about a medication, you can always look it up on the internet, right? Not so fast... if you live in Canada, the Canadian Mirena website takes you to a secure location where you need to register along with the DIN (Drug Information Number) of the product "you have been prescribed".

That means that unless you have been prescribed the Mirena IUD and have the package sitting in your hand, you cannot log on to the Mirena Canadian website. How's that for transparency?

If you are fortunate enough to be able to download the product monograph you will find the following:

Patients with a history of emotional disturbances, especially the depressive type, may be more prone to have a recurrence of depression while using MIRENA. In cases of a serious recurrence, consideration should be given to removing MIRENA, since the depression may be drug-related. (Mirena Product Monograph, p.9)

It is interesting to note that the Mirena US site makes absolutely no mention of depression whatsoever. The US site also does not list depression as a contraindication, or as important medical history to tell your doctor about. On the other hand, the Mirena UK site lists depression as the third bullet point under "most common reactions".

So, if you are concerned that your depression might be a result of your Mirena IUD - you are not alone!

Tell me your story - please talk about your experience with Mirena and depression in comments section below.

the real me?

After weeks of tapering Celexa, I finally reached zero last weekend. And while I still have two other antidepressants floating around in me, my personality seems to have shifted. I have become angry and agitated.

What scares me most is that I no longer know the "real me". Without the meds, am I really an angry person? Or is the "real me" when I'm on the meds?

I feel totally overwhelmed.

mirena IUD & depression

Last summer I was finally starting to feel better. My energy had increased, my mood was stable, things were finally looking up.

My husband and I talked about the possibility of another pregnancy, but the postpartum depression was still too vivid in our minds to risk again. Still, we weren't ready to give up 100% on the idea of a future baby.

I visited my doctor to discuss an IUD (as I have clotted previously, the pill was out for me). She suggested I try the Mirena, an IUD that provides a very low daily dose of progesterone. I was told to expect that with the Mirena I would eventually no longer have periods (sounded good to me).

I had the Mirena installed on a Friday. By Saturday morning, it was clear that something was very wrong with me. I was in tears, angry, anxious. I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. I felt like I just didn't want to exist anymore.

My husband asked me if the dramatic return of my PPD symptoms could be related to the IUD. I hadn't even considered that! After googling for a few hours, I came to learn that Mirena wasn't for everyone. There were far more potential side effects than I had been warned about.

Searching for the product monograph online, I was shocked to find a clear warning that the Mirena IUD could re-trigger depression in women who had a history of the disease.

I was angry with my physician for prescribing me something that had undone nearly a year of healing. I was angry with myself for not doing the research on possible side effects myself before making my choice.

I tried to have it removed over that weekend, and I couldn't find anyone who would take it out!

First thing Monday, I was back at my doctor's office to have it removed. She apologized and told me that she hadn't considered the effect on my depression. I appreciated her honesty, and was just glad to get the damn thing out of me.

It took several months for my moods and my body to get back to where it had been pre-Mirena.

Many women use Mirena and have great experiences with it - to them, I say "wonderful"! I was not one of those women. I'm writing this post today to alert women who have a history of depression of this potential side effect of Mirena.

Please Note: I have updated this topic - Sept. 2010

still grieving my miscarriage

Two years ago this week I conceived. I found this out from my manicurist. While painting my toenails one day, she said to me "You're pregnant". How she could tell, I will never know, but she was right.

I had never really known if I wanted children, and given a history of clotting disorders, wasn't sure it was even well-advised. Nonetheless, I was excited and did everything 'by the book'. No coffee, no alcohol, limited fish, you know the drill...

We started to plan, we were building a new house at the time and designed it to have a nursery connected to our master bedroom. We picked names for either a boy or a girl.

And then on our moving day, I started spotting. An ultrasound showed no heartbeat at 12 weeks. While the movers were busy taking the boxes to our new home, I was busy losing our future child.

Surprisingly, I didn't take it as hard emotionally as I thought I might. I understood that sometimes these things happen and that we could try again.

What I didn't plan for was the crash. About six weeks later, my brain fell apart. I stopped remembering things, had trouble concentrating, experienced confusion, could no longer chair meetings reliably. I felt absolute fatigue and despair.

I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. Treated with a combination of Cipralex, Wellbutrin & Risperdal. It felt like I had left my body, was floating around watching my life from outside of myself. I couldn't carry on a conversation, couldn't feel much of anything, actually.

Falling apart was an awful experience, it involved giving up my career for which I had earned three degrees and considered my identity. I lost my job, my confidence, my life as I knew it.

Two years has gone by and yet still the grief hangs there. As does the question, was it really postpartum depression? Maybe I was misdiagnosed and that might explain why I failed to respond to medication.

Will there ever be a chance to try again? Do we even want to risk it at this point?

Holidays are a good time for reflection, and somehow, despite the noisy children in the hot tub and the screaming babies at breakfast, I am still wondering...

heaven is real (or finding my "new normal")

Standing at the airport bookstore, only moments before boarding my flight, I grab the first book that catches my attention, throw some cash on the counter and run for the gate.

I squeeze into the seat next to the window and realize that I have selected the book "Heaven is Real", by Don Piper. I had never heard of the author before, despite this being his third best seller.

In a nutshell, Don Piper claims that he died for 90 minutes following a terrible traffic collision and was brought back to life. In that time, he says that he went to Heaven. He feels that his mission today is to spread that news with people.

Sometimes I struggle with my Christianity. Am I being called? What does God want me to do? Could he please send me a very clear text message??

Obviously I don't know if the author really died for 90 minutes, and while I tend to believe him, that is not important really. What is important is how he describes coming to the realization after his accident that things would never be the same for him again. With his myriad of injuries, he was going to have to find his "new normal".

This book was worth 10 therapy:

I have spent the past 2 years waiting for the 'old me' to return. Waiting until I was healthy enough to be a rising star again, to resurrect my great job and excellent professional reputation. BUT....what if the 'old me' doesn't exist anymore? What if she never will? In short, what if THIS is my NEW NORMAL?

As simple as this sounds, this small shift in my thought process feels like it has liberated me: I may never get better!

I may never be that high performing, straight A honors student ever again. Or the high ranking health professional - maybe that is gone for good too.

And you know what? It won't matter.

I need to discover what my new normal will be. To find a way to be kinder to my self and honoring of my body's limitations. To use my talents to offer hope to other people.

Heaven is real. It's just hard to see from behind the fog of depression.

hopeless

Sometimes I feel like this is how it will be forever. I don't see any hope of truly being "well" again.

As I've mentioned, I really do have a lovely life - certainly nothing to complain about - but living with whateverthef@ck this illness is has slowly eroded into my sense of optimism.

I am so sad today. I was thinking about babies, especially the babies we won't be able to have, and my train of thought crashed.

I was watching Oprah today telling women that if their husband cheats, it's obviously because of something they were doing wrong. And even though I cannot imagine my Dear Husband cheating on me; he felt so far away (and, well...he is...6 time zones to be exact) and I felt so lonely.

I didn't get any of my readings done for class tomorrow. In fact, I'm thinking of withdrawing from school this term. My brain is not functioning properly and I really need a break from worrying about how I am going to get through.

On the plus side, my house is really clean (and I got to sleep through the whole transformation). And my Mother brought me over blueberry waffles.

So why am I on the verge of tears? Why does it feel like I can hardly breath?

a perfectionist get a "B" grade

Confession time: All of my life I was an academic superstar. I attended gifted classes in school, skipped two grades, earned top marks all the way.

When I applied to my PhD program, I had a straight A average from both my undergrad and Masters programs. I was awarded two scholarships and I was ready to change the world!

Fast forward a few months. Seemingly out of nowhere, my intrusive companion Depression makes a visit before Christmas.

Before I know it, it has me consumed. As I try to write my final papers and exams I feel like I am trying to think through a dense fog. Nothing is clear, my memory has holes in it. Concepts make sense in my head, but as they hit the page, they become incoherent ramblings.

For the first time in my adult life, I get a B in a course. This has NEVER happened to me. I feel dumb as a box of bricks. I desperately want to tell my professors that "this isn't me, this is the depression". I want to haul out my report cards, awards, publications...anything to make them see that I am not this fuck up who can't write an intelligible paper. I want them to see beyond the depression, but I am too scared to tell them.

I worry every day that maybe my academic skills are a thing of the past. Maybe I have to accept the loss and move on to something different in life. But I have to hold on to the hope that one day, something is going to work. There has to be a treatment out there that I will respond to.

To think anything else....I just can't go there yet.

a depression by any other name...

I read this thought provoking post today from Neuroskeptic and it piqued my interest. In the post, he talks about the term "depression" and how people often equate this with feeling "sad".

This got me thinking, the term "depression" does no favours for those of us living with it. Even with the term "clinical" tacked in front of it, it sounds just too...mundane.

There aren't many diseases where the suffering is so great that many people will choose to end their lives rather than cope with the pain. With any other life-threatening disease, people would be sympathetic, concerned about the sufferer.

I'm going to pose a hypothetical example, (not from personal experience) - so if you think I've got it all wrong - by all means correct me.

Say you go to ER with symptoms of a heart attack or stroke - I think you will likely fly pass triage as you are scooted straight into the concerned care of the medical team. Provided you are not obnoxious and, (in US) have insurance, you will not be made to feel like an imposition. You will have made the right choice!

On the other hand, suppose you present to the ER with severe depression feeling suicidal. You will likely sit in the waiting room for hours, it will be debated as to whether or not you have a 'true' emergency. You might get further if you actually attempted suicide, but if you're just thinking about it... surely you can wait until morning to see your family doctor!

So I wonder, would it make a difference if we could re-name and re-conceptualize depression as something that the average person can't relate to? Something more than feeling sad?

How about "Necrotizing-Affectitis"? Would that buy some empathy?

People can be so kind to a person with a broken leg (provided they didn't break it while under the influence). But try telling folks that you've had depression and see what happens.

Depression is not a normal, everyday emotion! From my experience, it is a bit like turning the contrast down on your TV set. Suddenly, everything looks dark and dreary. Physically, the fatigue feels like you are carrying an invisible backpack full of lead. It feels like there is no point going on and being a burden to those around you.

Is it possible that people would be more compassionate if the diagnosis sounded a bit more... severe?