Climbing

Penelope, Montana, 2003.

Rock climbing used to be my passion. Five nights a week I could be found in the climbing gym, working the walls and bouldering until my wrists trembled.

I have dreamed of being back on the wall, and this past Saturday, I made that dream come true.

Baby steps. A 5.6 route at the most...but I made it halfway up.

I used to nail 5.10a routes and hang upside down in the bouldering caves. In other words, I have a LONG way to go to get back to where I was in 2003.

Maybe I will be well enough to climb again, maybe not...but at least I took the first tentative steps to climbing back into my life.

frustrated, desperate

I'm scared.

For the past few years, I have tried to hang in and be a 'good patient' as a host of symptoms started to steal away my life.

Only a few years ago I was a busy health professional with an enjoyable career. I worked out regularly, did yoga three times a week, went out for dinner with friends, performed in a band, went rock climbing in the mountains...

Now I am a student on an LOA who rarely leaves the house; spending most of my time trying to get enough energy to do basic chores. 

I stopped seeing my friends, as I was sick of always talking about what was wrong with me (a hard topic to avoid, since it has eaten away at every part of my life) My world has become so small.

I would give just about anything to put on my running shoes and just RUN again.

The past three days I have been mostly in bed, in the dark, with a migraine. Three days of nausea, diarrhea, body aches, and unrelenting pain in my head. F@*k!! I've had enough.

Last Sunday I was in church, during communion I started to pray. I feel like I am dying. There is no way anyone could feel this shitty and not have something seriously wrong with them. Why can't anyone give me an answer??

I keep getting referred to specialists and then...wait...

My psychiatrist - after two years of working with me - isn't sure anymore that I have a mood disorder. He thinks something else is going on; BUT, both he and my Primary Care Physician can't agree on which type of specialist I should see, so I will be seeing them all:

- Rheumatologist

- Internist

- Neurologist

I simply can't live like this any more. I am desperate. I need to find an answer. I cling to the hope that if I have a REAL diagnosis, then perhaps there might be a treatment. 

I am in need of hope, or at least a "good day" to help me get through.

heaven is real (or finding my "new normal")

Standing at the airport bookstore, only moments before boarding my flight, I grab the first book that catches my attention, throw some cash on the counter and run for the gate.

I squeeze into the seat next to the window and realize that I have selected the book "Heaven is Real", by Don Piper. I had never heard of the author before, despite this being his third best seller.

In a nutshell, Don Piper claims that he died for 90 minutes following a terrible traffic collision and was brought back to life. In that time, he says that he went to Heaven. He feels that his mission today is to spread that news with people.

Sometimes I struggle with my Christianity. Am I being called? What does God want me to do? Could he please send me a very clear text message??

Obviously I don't know if the author really died for 90 minutes, and while I tend to believe him, that is not important really. What is important is how he describes coming to the realization after his accident that things would never be the same for him again. With his myriad of injuries, he was going to have to find his "new normal".

This book was worth 10 therapy:

I have spent the past 2 years waiting for the 'old me' to return. Waiting until I was healthy enough to be a rising star again, to resurrect my great job and excellent professional reputation. BUT....what if the 'old me' doesn't exist anymore? What if she never will? In short, what if THIS is my NEW NORMAL?

As simple as this sounds, this small shift in my thought process feels like it has liberated me: I may never get better!

I may never be that high performing, straight A honors student ever again. Or the high ranking health professional - maybe that is gone for good too.

And you know what? It won't matter.

I need to discover what my new normal will be. To find a way to be kinder to my self and honoring of my body's limitations. To use my talents to offer hope to other people.

Heaven is real. It's just hard to see from behind the fog of depression.

good news, or bad?

Three days. Three beautiful, blissful days of peace. My fog lifted for three days and I was able to:

• wake up
• read
• think
• smile
• call a friend
• have a shower
• play with my puppy
• clean the house
• feel joy
• stay awake for 12 hours
• remember how wonderful life can be

This would normally be great news, fantastic news; except that tomorrow I see my doctor for a medication review. The last time I saw him was before Christmas.

The past three days have been so out of character from the past two months, I'm afraid that he is going to get the wrong idea about how I have been doing.

On the other hand, maybe I am doing better. I just hate to get my hopes up as my history has shown these brief windows of wellness that ultimately crash back down again.

How do I portray how bad things have been when it is all I can do to stop myself from beaming, glowing with joy that I finally feeling well again?

joe vs the volcano

Remember this little gem of a movie from 1990? Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan long before 'Sleepless in Seattle'?

The story goes something like this: Joe is a hypochondriac in a dreary job. One day his scheming doctor diagnoses him with a fatal "brain cloud"and along with his evil boss, tricks him into becoming a human sacrifice for a volcano - in exchange for a short time of living like a king. Why did the volcano need a human sacrifice? Can't remember, it was a long time ago, but it seemed to make sense back then.

Anyway, the point is this: that in giving up his life to the volcano, Joe realizes how much he wants to live, and more importantly, what a stupid diagnosis a "brain cloud" is. He also learns the value of good luggage.

Somewhere in all of this is a lesson about depression, hope and the need to be skeptical of any test results that sound like weather reports. Not sure you're following me? Maybe this will help.