Decisions, decisions...

I saw my doctor yesterday and told him how feelings of anxiety and depression were creeping up on me again. He raised my antidepressants and ordered a long list of blood work.

Did I mention that I hate 12 hour fasts? I love breakfast. Anyhow, I got 10 vials of blood taken this morning and will likely hear back soon if anything is not normal.

My prediction:

Normal labs for all except ANA

The doctor still continues to think there is something 'else' going on with me that has nothing to do with my depression.

But he did council me that stress isn't good for any condition; physical or mental.

He advised that I visit with the Dean of my program and try to sort out getting a new advisor. He thinks I will feel much better once I deal with this issue.

I told him I'm thinking about quitting the PhD program and he has encouraged me not to make any decisions until my current depression lifts.

I do agree with that advice, but in my current state, going to meet with the Dean feels overwhelming.

At last

My thesis proposal was approved today. At last.

It is good news, but was delivered with a spoonful of bitter advice. "Stop being so whiny, Penelope", my Advisor told me. "You drain the oxygen out of all your relationships when you mention your illness".

Good to know, I didn't realize that I was causing O2 issues for the folks on my committee!

Apathy

I don't feel like being a student anymore.

There, I've said it.

I've given it my best shot this semester, but my heart just isn't in it anymore. It's all I can do to get out of bed most days, and the idea of doing research in my current state is just too much. I was barely keeping my head above water until last week. My mother took ill and so did my cat. Between trips to the veterinarian and waits in the ER, I couldn't get anything done.

Yesterday I slept for 15 hours straight. Woke up, did some research and went back to bed. I was so cold, I could hardly stop shivering. This is just the way it is most days for me now.

My brilliant DH will be defending his doctoral work in two weeks time. I thought that once he had his PhD, it would make me want to work doubly hard to finish mine. But really, it's just the opposite. I truly don't care today.

Do I withdraw?

Wait another week?

Or just go back to bed?

How much of a perfectionist am I?

Yesterday I learned that my blood type is B positive...

I was annoyed that I didn't get an 'A'.

facing my fears

I sent my thesis outline to my advisors last night. It shouldn't have been a big deal - just a sketch of my plans to get our conversation started...and yet...I could not start writing.

After reading over 200 articles on my topic, I'm a walking library on physician-patient relationships - but I am terrified to put my thoughts to paper.

Why?

Because I failed before. I received an F on a paper I did in my first year of the program during one particularly bad struggle with brain fog.

It was humiliating. I started to doubt that I belonged in the program. And for some reason it is still haunting me.

Even though...

- I graduated with distinction in my undergrad program

- Received A's in all but one course (A-) in my masters

- Managed dozens of staff, millions of dollars, and partnered on several CIHR grants.

- was accepted into two PhD programs

Why am I letting one failure in an otherwise excellent career hold me back?

school is in session

The weather seemed to change overnight. Fall is in the air and it's time to get back to school. This term I am supposed to complete my comprehensive exams - eek!

I think I'm ready, but there is a little part of me that would like to do more coursework...mostly just to buy more time. The good news is that my research is on track and for the first time in forever, I am actually feeling well. [smiley]

penelope escapes from the snow

It's a funny thing being in your mid 30s and finding yourself on "spring break" ... um, sorry, I mean "reading week".

Earlier this week I didn't think I would be well enough to travel; but tonight I'm lying in bed in a gorgeous hotel suite looking over the ocean...and life is good. Perhaps a few days away from my couch will be good for me.

Travel for me has certainly improved since my first time around as a student. My first road trip was spent searching for a Super 8 with the lowest room rate. This time I am happily ensconced in a four star hotel, munching on the complimentary wine and cheese and I no longer have to eat all of my meals at Taco Bell...hmmm...this mature student thing isn't really all that bad.

Hopefully, I will be a good student this week and crank out my midterm paper whilst enjoying the sand and surf.

a perfectionist get a "B" grade

Confession time: All of my life I was an academic superstar. I attended gifted classes in school, skipped two grades, earned top marks all the way.

When I applied to my PhD program, I had a straight A average from both my undergrad and Masters programs. I was awarded two scholarships and I was ready to change the world!

Fast forward a few months. Seemingly out of nowhere, my intrusive companion Depression makes a visit before Christmas.

Before I know it, it has me consumed. As I try to write my final papers and exams I feel like I am trying to think through a dense fog. Nothing is clear, my memory has holes in it. Concepts make sense in my head, but as they hit the page, they become incoherent ramblings.

For the first time in my adult life, I get a B in a course. This has NEVER happened to me. I feel dumb as a box of bricks. I desperately want to tell my professors that "this isn't me, this is the depression". I want to haul out my report cards, awards, publications...anything to make them see that I am not this fuck up who can't write an intelligible paper. I want them to see beyond the depression, but I am too scared to tell them.

I worry every day that maybe my academic skills are a thing of the past. Maybe I have to accept the loss and move on to something different in life. But I have to hold on to the hope that one day, something is going to work. There has to be a treatment out there that I will respond to.

To think anything else....I just can't go there yet.