the real me?

After weeks of tapering Celexa, I finally reached zero last weekend. And while I still have two other antidepressants floating around in me, my personality seems to have shifted. I have become angry and agitated.

What scares me most is that I no longer know the "real me". Without the meds, am I really an angry person? Or is the "real me" when I'm on the meds?

I feel totally overwhelmed.

cranky counting

Eight days of a constant migraine headache

1 broken central vacuum requiring service call

1 broken nearly-new washing machine (warranty expired) requiring service call

1 broken floor vacuum cleaner (beyond repair)

1 outdoor hose frozen and broken requiring service call

2 dogs, 1 tearing the house to shreds (he's a puppy, I have a headache)

1 paper left to finish

1 presentation left to present

1 missed episode of House

0 mg cipralex onboard (tapering complete)

Penelope is cranky tonight. Really cranky.

the end of my holiday

I've taken a break from blogging whilst I've been away on holiday. It was nice to sit out in the sun, relax on the water and feel like a normal person once again. And I did feel like a normal person!

My family is amazed by how well I've been doing. They have told me it's like having the "old me" back with them.

Of course, as soon as I return home, I'm scheduled to complete my tapering of my medication, which I put on hold so I could enjoy my trip. Considering three weeks ago I had to have my family make me toast and tea and that my brain forgot some very important basic facts, this is not an idea I relish.

I've been offered a very nice contract when I return home, but am very nervous to accept. I know that I could do it today, but with my condition lately, there is no telling what tomorrow might bring. Also, it would involve traveling, which I am about done with now!

I will be very happy to see no more hotels for a long while. I am missing my puppies and my kitty cat so much now, can't wait to be home and give them all a cuddle.

withdrawal

Wow. I feel as though I've nearly been hit by a train. Miserable!

My head hurts, my body aches, my eyes hurt. Either I have a horrible flu, or this is the beginning of withdrawal setting in. I was so tired today I could hardly make it up the stairs! I almost called my Mom over to make me some tea.

All this and I've only gone down by half. I'm not sure I want to see what it feels like to go off of them 100%.

On the bright side, my mood is fantastic!

could it be possible?

What if the depression I've been struggling with isn't depression at all?

Here's what happened: I shouldn't have worried about being "too well" for Friday's appointment with my psychiatrist. As it turns out, I crashed that morning and was barely able to drag my carcass across the city to see him.

He listened to my story of how things have been for me since Christmas, and seemed very perplexed. Thankfully, My Husband was able to attend this appointment with me, and was able to give some additional insight about my moods.

My doctor is concerned that I have not responded to any of the multiple treatments I've had over the past few years and that my physical health is worsening along with my moods shifting more rapidly.

I could care less about my moods; what I can't stand is the fatigue. The overwhelming energy it takes to get out of bed and make a pot of tea. The fact that I avoid showering day after day and have been wearing the same pajamas now since Friday morning. This is not me! After three good days, I feel like I have crashed. Sometimes I wonder if I have chronic fatigue (and depression?)

After my brief reprieve earlier this week from brain fog, it has set in again and made focusing on anything next to impossible. All I want to do is sleep.

Interestingly, my doctor is now wondering if there is something physical going on with my body that he hasn't picked up on.

So here are his recommendations:

1. Consultation with another psychiatry specialist - (thought I was already seeing a specialist? how much more specialized can you get in mental health?)
   
2. Testing for Lupus, Celiac, hormone levels, and a whole host of "outlier" illnesses.
3. Tapering off two of my medications over the next ten days to see if any of them are causing the fog & fatigue.

I am very frightened of coming off medication. I've done it before and things got much worse without it. But I am grateful that he is still trying to solve the mystery of my downward spiral of health.

It is such a crazy thought after all I have been through that it's possible that none of this has been depression, but rather some strange autoimmune disorder. If you've been here, you can probably understand if I share with you that I would be grateful for a diagnosis that is physical in nature. Something objective that I could show to people and that they would be nice about.

I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens. Today was my first day of tapering off of Cipralex and Wellbutrin. I feel dizzy, sleepy, teary. I think this is normal, so I am going to find my sweet little furry friends and bring them to bed with me now. Everything always feels better when there is a soft, warm, fluffy ball purring next to me.