Modafinil: A short story told in pictures.

This is how I feel on Modafinil*!

...and this is how I feel the day after Modafinil.

* Modafinil is also known as Provigil

Climbing

Penelope, Montana, 2003.

Rock climbing used to be my passion. Five nights a week I could be found in the climbing gym, working the walls and bouldering until my wrists trembled.

I have dreamed of being back on the wall, and this past Saturday, I made that dream come true.

Baby steps. A 5.6 route at the most...but I made it halfway up.

I used to nail 5.10a routes and hang upside down in the bouldering caves. In other words, I have a LONG way to go to get back to where I was in 2003.

Maybe I will be well enough to climb again, maybe not...but at least I took the first tentative steps to climbing back into my life.

Time Out

After months of debating whether I should quit the program, look for a new advisor, or soldier on, I've made a decision: I'm taking some time off to think about my future.

Grant you, this probably sounds like indecision, but for me it is an accomplishment.

I took a deep breath and told my advisors that I will not be pursuing the thesis that they had signed off on back in April. I need to work on something meaningful to me, not just to my advisors. No wonder I felt like I was on the wrong track.

Getting back to the research I want to do will likely require new advisors, perhaps a whole new faculty. But it will be worth it if I can find a good fit.

I've been ruminating on this decision for months (anxiety, anyone?). But now, I'm going to do my best to relax and enjoy the rest of the summer without thinking about my future.

Serenity Now - See ya later.

Serenity Now, I won't miss you.

"BECAUSE OF CERTAIN IDIOTS OUT THERE THAN ARE TOO SENSITIVE....THIS BLOG ENDS ASAP. I AM PUTTING SOME MINI RANTS BELOW OF THINGS I WANTED TO BLOG IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS, BUT IT HAS TO END NOW. SO READ QUICK WE ALWAYS SAID IF YOU CAN'T TAKE THE SHIT WE WRITE, THEN DON'T READ IT. FOR THOSE OF YOU SENSITIVE PUSSY'S OUT THERE THREATENING TO "FIND MY IDENTITY" AND GO TO MY HOSPITALS ETHICS COMMITTEE, NO ONE MADE YOU READ. I WELCOME YOUR THREATS AND ENCOURAGE YOU TO DO SO. YOU ARE PUSSIES AND WILL NEVER GET YOUR FAT ASSES OFF YOUR COUCH ANYWAYS. ANOTHER GREAT SITE, ERSTORIES.NET, IS BEING TAKEN DOWN FOR SIMILAR REASONS. PEOPLE ARE TOO DAMN SENSITIVE. FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT ARE....GO FUCK YOURSELVES. ER DOC."

Keep it classy.

Low Ferritin (part ii)

I almost called my lab results correctly...all normal except for:

ANA - 1:640

Ferritin - 26 (normal reference 80-300)

Why is my ferritin so low?

Does this explain my relentless sleepiness?

Obviously eating gluten-free for the past five months hasn't improved my absorption.

I am so sick of my life being defined by illness. I wish more than anything that I could just have my health back.

Decisions, decisions...

I saw my doctor yesterday and told him how feelings of anxiety and depression were creeping up on me again. He raised my antidepressants and ordered a long list of blood work.

Did I mention that I hate 12 hour fasts? I love breakfast. Anyhow, I got 10 vials of blood taken this morning and will likely hear back soon if anything is not normal.

My prediction:

Normal labs for all except ANA

The doctor still continues to think there is something 'else' going on with me that has nothing to do with my depression.

But he did council me that stress isn't good for any condition; physical or mental.

He advised that I visit with the Dean of my program and try to sort out getting a new advisor. He thinks I will feel much better once I deal with this issue.

I told him I'm thinking about quitting the PhD program and he has encouraged me not to make any decisions until my current depression lifts.

I do agree with that advice, but in my current state, going to meet with the Dean feels overwhelming.

the kitty brigade

I've been feeling blue the past few days...detached and unmotivated. Last night I talked to BH about my worry that depression was back. Did I mention that BH is a problem solver?

Last night, while I slept, "Hello Kitty" invaded our house. Hiding by the lamp, under the flowerpots, next to the stove, by my toothbrush were tiny little Hello Kitty figures.

Like an Easter egg hunt, I turned the house upside down finding hidden kitties in nooks and corners. Each kitty brought a smile to my face.

My husband told me later today that because I was sad, he had called in the 'Kitty Brigade' to cheer me up...and really, who wouldn't feel happy with a kitty brigade in the house?