One possible explanation...

I'm not actually "late" yet, so chances are that this is just an evaporation line; but it would go some way to explaining the bizarre attacks of sleep I keep having.

Brilliant Husband says you get what you pay for (in this case, $1.25) and that perhaps I should buy a test from somewhere other than Dollerama. I'll do that in a few days...

What the bleep is wrong with me?!?

The past few days I have slept nearly non-stop around the clock - waking up only to complete the most crucial life functions...like eating.

My body hurts in ways that make no sense. My elbows hurt. My legs ache. I feel like I completed an Ironman and then lost a few rounds in the boxing ring.

Walking from the kitchen to the bed I am short of breath and dizzy. I hit the mattress and find myself asleep for 6-8-12 hours at a time. I wake soaked in my sheets from night sweats.

The sun outside hurts my eyes and I hide in the darkest room in the house to avoid the light.

All of the gains I made in the past few months have disappeared. Where did they go??

No point in calling the doctors; they've heard it all before and have anything new to offer. No point in telling my friends, who wants to hear this crap? My family are kind, but worried...I don't want to trouble them either.

Is this a flare?

A relapse?

Extended jet lag?

I can't find a single diagnosis that matches my symptoms and it is frustrating as hell.

Thanks for listening...I'm going back to sleep now.

Geneva

One of the HUGE benefits of my life with Brilliant Husband is the ability to travel with him to wonderful locations and stay in some of the nicest hotels.

A week ago, we were in Geneva for a conference in which he was a keynote speaker. We stayed at the amazingly gorgeous Hotel Kempinski located along the shoreline of Lake Geneva. The picture above was snapped on the balcony where we had breakfast each day.

The downside to this wonderful perk is that I am a terrible traveler. When we cross time zones, I spend days in bed sleeping off jet lag. I catch every germ that passes through the recycled air of the plane. My stomach goes into crisis with any change from routine, and digestion comes to a standstill. NOT the best way to see the world!

It will come as no surprise to anyone who has followed my blog for some time to hear that I spent the day, afternoon and evening our our 5th wedding anniversary lying in bed in a coma-like state. Our plans for a romantic anniversary dinner went out the window when it became apparent that I was too woozy to stand up and get to the shower at 5 PM.

Fast forward to the next morning when I found myself wide awake at 6 AM. I quietly got dressed and went outside to explore.

Walking along the path along the lake, I watched the sunrise over the mountains. It was magical. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the most beautiful white swan come into view, swimming towards me.

That morning, I was fully awake, and it was perfect.

When your dog is your baby: post mothers day blues

I can be overly sensitive, even when I know it's not rational...which happened yesterday during our Mothers Day celebration.

DH and I had a lovely gathering for our moms for cake. Joining us were our close friends who have a six-month-old baby.

I realize that dogs are not children, but since we don't have children, I tend to think of our dogs as 'my babies'. However the "real baby's" mom comes from a culture where dogs are not considered pets. She struggles with the idea of dogs living in the house. I don't really understand her perspective, but when she is over, I do try to keep the dogs away from her, or offer to lock the dogs in their kennel.

For the most part, the visit went well, but at one point, my puppy walked over to where she was sitting and licked the top of the baby's hand. Baby's mom looked horrified. She jumped up and went to the kitchen sink and scrubbed...and scrubbed...and scrubbed. She was clearly disgusted.

Now I'm no fan of dogs licking. I don't encourage it at all. But somehow in that moment, my heart felt broken.

I already feel badly that we don't have a baby of our own, and likely never will. I feel guilty that we've only given our moms grand-dogs. But to have my dogs regarded as filthy creatures by my friend who is lucky enough to have a child just hurt.

Yes, I know I'm in the wrong.

I realize that my friend is entitled to feel however she wants about dogs.

I realize that as a new mother she is naturally protective of her baby and doesn't want him exposed to germs.

But my feels are hurt.

I should just get over it, and I suppose I will, but tonight I feel sad that our little family isn't a "real" family...even if we sign our mothers day cards with love from both of us and the 'fur-kids'.

Election Day - The Morning After

Like most Canadians, I didn't see the need for yet another federal election...(this being our fourth in 7 years!)

I was fine with a Conservative minority government (held on a tight leash by the Liberal opposition and the NDP). No one seemed upset with the status quo except for the delusional Liberals who triggered the election six weeks ago.

As I surveyed the field of candidates, I found them all lacking.

Conservative Leader and incumbent Stephen Harper: with his steely gaze and oddly oppressive approach to transparency (only 4 questions allowed at every stop along his campaign trial) seems to present a danger to Canadian values (more prisons!) - but for now, he's the most solid leader we've got....sigh....

Liberal leader (actually he resigned this morning) Michael Ignatieff: An intelligent man who just could not connect with voters. I think voters cared less about his lengthy academic career in the USA than we did about the overall feeling of inauthenticity that he emitted. With all the panache of a pollster's talking point, he seemed to be, well, whatever you wanted him to be. (Much as I dislike Stephen Harper, I do think he is authentically aloof and controlling.)

Which brings us to NDP leader Jack Layton. How could anyone not like Jack? With a genuine smile on his face, he crossed Canada with the help of a cane as he recovered from medical ailments. I like Mr. Layton's style, but am lost to understand how his party would pay for even more government.

Mr. Layton also survived a late-campaing sex scandal to become the official opposition last night. Who the heck cares if Layton was found in a massage parlour in 1996? He was not even charged! If this was the best dirt they could dig up on the guy, it only served to make him more interesting than the other candidates.

Forgive me for not discussing the platforms of our lesser-known parties; groups like The Green Party, The Animal Alliance Party, The Communist Party of Canada, The Pirate Party, The Marijuana Party, The Rhinoceros Party, Christian Heritage Party of Canada -- suffice to say, they represent Canada's diversity.

Much like blogger "Not House", I came thisclose to spoiling my ballot, but ultimately decided to bite the bullet and make a choice.

And so...we have a Conservative Majority government. *shiver*

Mr. Layton, Mr. Ignatieff, couldn't you just have let well enough alone?

The Road to Recovery

I've been holding off posting about this, because I was afraid it was temporary, but given that I'm now at 4 weeks, I am going to share my news: I am feeling well!

It sounds so simple, and yet the difference between how I'm feeling today vs. how I've been feeling for the past few years is so radical that it defies description.

What does a well person do that an ill person can't?

• decide to walk the dogs, come home and realize the cat could use a walk too!
• travel to Amsterdam, come home, have a miserable cold followed by a sinus infection and still have enough energy to cook a meal, go for a walk, study...
• plan two trips in the next month and have some vague confidence that they will actually work out.
• start working on literature review for comprehensive examinations
• wake up and get out of bed, every single day!!
• go for a walk and burst into a light run (only for a minute, but it felt SO GOOD).
  

I wish I knew what triggered my recovery. Here are my top theories:

• Gluten-free diet (followed strictly since mid-January)
  
• Longer days with more sun exposure (valid perhaps, but happens every year without this kind of impact)
  
• Husband finishing thesis?
• Illness spontaneously in remission?

My vote right now is on diet, I'm sure that is simplistic, but it is the only factor that has truly changed in my life.

Whatever is responsible, I cannot begin to describe the joy that comes with feeling 'normal' again. Trust me, normal does not equal boring!

Holiday

After our whirlwind month of March (DH successfully defended his thesis), I accompanied my brilliant husband on a short trip to Holland, where he was launching his new book.

What an amazing trip. I spent my days wandering the streets and canals, taking pictures and sipping cappuccino at sidewalk cafes.

Being gluten free in Holland is surprisingly easy, the hotel concierge called ahead to book reservations and ensured that there would be GF options available. One restaurant even baked me a little gluten-free cake with a chocolate centre. Delicious!!

I am savouring my health...enjoying every day that I can be out in the world exploring, not locked away in a hotel room sleeping.

From here, my advisor's comments sting less and I feel more alive. What more could I ask for?